


if the heavens can be both sacred and dust (oh maybe so can the rest of us)

by gemstone_wings



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Accidental Self Harm, Autistic Caleb Widogast, Beauregard Lionett (mentioned) - Freeform, Caduceus Clay (mentioned) - Freeform, Caleb Widogast Has Issues, Caleb has poor interoception skills, Gen, Jellyfish, The Mighty Nein is a Family, mom!nott, takes place on The Mistake, tenderness is stored in the burn salve
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-23
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-15 15:00:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28940352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gemstone_wings/pseuds/gemstone_wings
Summary: Caleb’s thoughts get away from him on watch one night aboard The Mistake. Nott is there to help with stolen burn salve, a Ring of Water Walking, and words.
Relationships: The Mighty Nein & Nott | Veth Brenatto & Caleb Widogast
Comments: 1
Kudos: 50





	if the heavens can be both sacred and dust (oh maybe so can the rest of us)

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from Hieroglyphs by The Oh Hellos.  
> Thanks to Jordan for enabling me even though they don’t even go here, and to G, for looking things over, helping me out a bit, and also enabling me.

Nott quietly opened the hatch of _The Mistake,_ closing it almost silently behind her _._ Caduceus sat at the stern of the ship, murmuring gently to the smack of jellyfish drifting beside the boat. Their bioluminescent lights danced across his furry grey face. On the bow were Caleb and his fire. Nott doubted he’d done much _watching_ during his watch. Watching for potential threats _,_ at least. 

A small fireball, only slightly larger than a silver piece, swirled around his right hand in precise, slow sweeps. Nott watched as the flame flickered along the frayed edges of his hand bandages for a moment, sealing the loose threads along the back of his hand with black, bobbed and weaved around Caleb’s grimy hand before nestling into his palm. Close. Close enough to burn, to pull and pucker the skin. 

“Caleb.” 

Nott’s cloak shimmered through the shadows, concealing her compact form almost without effort, and though she spoke quietly, Caleb still jumped in surprise, his spell fizzing out. 

In the jellyfishes’ pale green-blue light, Caleb looked gaunter, thinner than normal, more like he was before joining the Nein. The jut of his cheekbones was more prominent, almost skeletal. 

“ _Hallo,_ Nott,” he said, loud enough that Caduceus looked up from the jellyfish-induced reverie. He unfolded his body, raised one hand, and nodded to both. His low “goodnight” carried through the night air as he disappeared down the hatch in the deck. 

“Where is Beauregard?” asked Caleb. “She is supposed to join you on watch, _ja?”_

“She threw a pillow at me when I woke her up, which means if she’s not up in five minutes I get to Message her whatever I want. She’ll be here.”

“Ah. _Gut.”_

The boat rocked gently beneath them. 

“Caleb, are you... okay?” 

“ _Ja,_ my little green friend, I am always okay.”

A beat of silence, the weight of it kneading into Caleb’s words. No judgment, only concern, and Caleb sighed. 

“How much did you see?” he said, quietly. 

“Not very much. Is your hand okay?”

He let her grab it, let her carefully examine his palm, and gently smooth her thumb over the small patch of red-pink skin on his hand. “You need to be more careful,” she said, boosting herself up onto the crate Caleb was sitting on. Nott rummaged through her pockets and pulled out a tin of burn salve stolen from Jester. 

“Mm, that feels nice,” he hummed as she rubbed it in.

“Are there any other spots you burned yourself?”

“Nein. I promise.” He solemnly raised the hand Nott wasn’t rubbing salve into when she gave him a look. “I just...” He flopped his hand back and forth. “I suppose I, ah, spaced out a tiny bit. It was an accident,” he assured her. 

Nott snapped the lid of the tin shut. “Caleb, you deserve to not be hurt.” She leaned in slowly, giving him plenty of chances to move away. He didn’t, looping his arm around her shoulders and pulling her close instead. “Does this happen very often?”

“ _Nein,_ not very. Sometimes, maybe. I am not always very good at noticing things that hurt. Pain is... it is easy to ignore. Hunger, too. I have to... _auf Ihnen konzentrieren_? I, ah, have to focus to feel them.” 

Nott hugged him. “Do you want us to help you? Do you want us to check in with you, make you think about how you’re feeling?” 

She felt more than saw him shrug. “I do not want to be a burden.”

“You’re _not_ a burden,” Nott said fiercely, straightening up. “We care about you, Caleb, and we’re happy to help you be safe and comfortable and happy because _you deserve it._ ” 

He looked down at his unburnt hand, clenching it into a fist, and then uncurling his fingers slowly. “I do not know if I can believe that,” he murmured, “but thank you, _Schatz.”_

“We’re a family now, and family watches out for each other.” 

He chuckled a little. “True. That’s actually something I was thinking about. We have thrown our lot in with a _strange_ group—a good group, but a strange one.” He flattened his hand out on his knee and looked out at the ocean.

“You know, jellyfishes,” he said, “have a natural ability that is much like your shocking grasp spell. It would be quite dangerous to fall overboard right now. Their stingers could probably paralyze even Yasha.”

“And people think _I’m_ crazy for—”

“—being scared of the water?”

“I prefer ‘having a healthy dose of water-related self-preservation.’” Caleb laughed and tugged her a little closer before lapsing into the familiar silence of Caleb ordering his thoughts just the way he wants before he speaks. But for the waves that lapped against the sides of the boat, it was near silent. Quiet enough for Nott to hear the movement of Caleb’s throat as he swallowed.

“You—you know what I’ve done, Nott, who I am.” The word _unforgivable_ stuck its heel into the door of Caleb’s words, still present, but unspoken and unvoiced. Small victories. “I cannot help but think about how flammable wooden boats are, and I am a walking fire hazard, _ja?”_ His hand worked its own accord, scratching a symbol onto his pant leg Nott thought might be the somatic component of Fireball, half-completed before Caleb realized what he was doing and aborted the movement. “This would not be the first family I have burned, you know.”

“Caleb,” said Nott, waiting until he drew in a deep, shuddering breath and nodded. She knew eye contact was uncomfortable at best for him and took this as the sign of attention it was. “I trust you.” 

She paused and let it sit, let it sink in, let his great, big, dumb brain process them. “And I know you wouldn’t light us on fire unless you had a very, very good reason.” She meant to make him laugh a little, but Caleb only frowned.

“I thought I had a good reason when I killed my parents too, Nott.”

“You were brainwashed! It’s _not your fault,_ Caleb.”

“I _wanted_ it, though!” It was the first time his voice had raised this conversation, and Nott knew it wasn’t aimed at her but himself. When Caleb continued, his voice had dropped to a quiet rasp.

“I thought my parents—my wonderful, loving parents, who were perfectly loyal Empire citizens, who were so happy and proud when I was selected to attend the Academy—were traitors to the Empire. I thought they deserved to be burned in their sleep.” He said it matter-of-fact, calm again, and it was only because Nott had spent so much time with him she could hear the waver in his inhale. 

“And look at this—this group of weirdos we’re with now! Half of us follow illegal gods. Yasha is from Xhorhas, who the Empire is _at war with,_ Fjord and Beau have both attended anti-Empire meetings—and me, as well—and we all helped _assassinate a government official_ . I think you may actually be the least traitorous member of this party, and you are a _goblin_ who I met in _jail_.”

“I think technically to be a traitor, you have to be a member of the country you’re traitor-ing first, so Fjord and Jester and Yasha might not be traitors.”

“Betraying.”

“What?”

“The word is _betraying._ You have to be a member of the country you’re _betraying_ first.”

“Not the point! Stop arguing words with me while I’m trying to tell you something! The point is, I know all of this, Caleb! None of this is new information to me. I still love you and trust you! Beau knows, and I’m pretty sure she’s fallen back asleep while she’s on a very flammable boat with you. She still loves and trusts you as much as Beauregard loves and trusts _anyone._ ” Nott clasped the hand that hung over her shoulder, the one she had rubbed salve into, between her own two green and clawed hands.

“We know you, Caleb. And nothing about you makes me pause at all in entrusting you with my life. You are _smart,_ you are _capable,_ you are _talented and powerful and going to do great things someday!_ You already _have_ done great things! And you’re just going to get more and more incredible.” She twisted their hands to show him the Ring of Water Walking on her finger. “Besides, I’ve got this. If you do burn the boat down, I have _this._ I can just jump overboard and _walk_ to shore.” 

Nott could tell he wanted to protest, wanted to disagree, wanted to pull apart her brain and rearrange it until she sees him as he does, and she was so, so proud of her boy for saying none of the things knocking on his lips, trying to get out. 

Instead, he did something complicated with his mouth that ended up mostly as a thin smile. Finally, he said, “unless the jellyfish get you,” and dug his fingers suddenly into her side, making soft zapping noises. She spasmed with laugher. 

“Caleb,” she shrieked, batting his already retreating hands away. “I’m going to have to keep watch over those monsters tonight!” The smile on his face was less thin than a moment before, and his laughter, though quiet, is genuine.

There was a clatter as the below-decks hatch opened behind them.

“At least you will not be keeping watch alone, _ja?_ ” Caleb said. “It sounds like Beauregard is—” A huge yawn cut off his words.

“Get some sleep, _Schatz,_ ” she told him. Caleb smiled sleepily at her as he stood, the worries of the night chased away, if only for now.

“Your pronunciation is still terrible. Have a good watch, _Liebling._ ” He leaned down to kiss her head, but she grabbed his cheeks and presses her lips to his forehead first. 

“You are a _good person,_ Caleb Widogast,” she whispered. “and you deserve nice things.” He ruffled her hair and gave her a half-smile. 

“I do not know if I can believe that yet, _aber danke.”_ He rapped the side of the boat a few times with his knuckles. “ _Guten Nacht,_ Nott.” 

“Good night, Caleb. And don’t forget to have Jester check your hand tomorrow!” she called after him. 

She watched him nod and raise a hand in assent, pass the still half-asleep Beau (“ _Guten Nacht, Beauregard,”_ ), heard him chuckle as Beau flipped him off. 

Nott looked out at the waters below her, alight with fluorescent jellyfish, shivered, then looked up towards the stars in the sky. She traced the constellations Caleb had taught her one clear night before they had met the Nein with her eyes—Tamias the Hound, Melop the Bee, the Serpent and the Bird, the Eye of Ioun. She found Erithacus, the brightest star in the sky.

“It’s not really one star,” Caleb had told her. “It’s two of them squished together so close that the naked eye can’t tell them apart. That’s why it’s so bright.” 

“Like us?”

“ _Ja, Schatz,_ like us.” 

Nott had little faith in astronomers, unless of course Caleb at some point took up the pursuit. She thought that they probably had gotten it wrong. There was no _way_ that a star that bright could only be two stars. In Nott’s opinion, a light that bright had to be made of at _least_ Nein.

  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I was unable to find any Exandrian constellations so I made up my own with a little help from fantasynamegenerator.com. Matthew Mercer forgive me.  
> If you’re curious about why Caleb has a hard time with hunger and pain signals, look up interoception!  
> Fun fact! In German schools, after a particularly good lecture, students often drum on the tables with their knuckles. :)


End file.
